I’ve been giving myself the opportunity to let go of my responsibilities lately. My entire life I’ve been the responsible one. The one who says something and then follows through. True to my word. When people are asked to describe me, the first word they usually use is “Responsible”.

Sometimes it almost feels like a self-fulfilling continuum. I follow through, that helps people realize I’m responsible, they expect me to be responsible in the future, I want to meet that expectation, so I do the responsible thing again. And it happens over and over until it snowballs into this place where I have a difficult time saying no, and the guilt of not following through becomes more intense. Don’t get me wrong, I love this about myself. It is one of my strengths, and I pride myself on being someone that others can count on.

But I’ve been trying to live in a place where I attempt to let go a little bit. I let myself be 5 minutes late because it’s good for me to step outside my comfort zone. I let myself do the minimum on something instead of going above and beyond. I have even let myself go a couple of weeks in between blogs.

I can’t say the guilt isn’t there. I still want to be the good old follow through girl that I’ve always been, but after the last 6 months of going non-stop and having a vacation that turned out to be more stressful than if I hadn’t gone at all, I don’t have a lot of myself to give.

That hurts my heart to write. I am not at full capacity and I hate admitting that. What people are getting is not the best version of me. But for now, I have to be okay with that. I have to let myself eat tacos, play board games, and have a couple of drinks with my roommates or stay a little too long at brunch after church because that’s what I need right now. I need to have some time to just exist.

And I’m working on it. I’m saying goodbye to a few things that I might enjoy doing, but are not what I need to focus my time on right now. I have to wait for a few commitments to be over, but I’m holding myself back from jumping on to the next opportunity. I’m remembering that even though I CAN do many things, some things are mine to do and some are not. And I have to be okay with that because in reality I want them all to be mine because I love doing all the things.

Ultimately what I am responsible is for myself and my relationship with Jesus and my output into the world. When I’m overrun by responsibility and weighed down by the guilt of not being able to live up to the expectations that I assume others have of me, I have distanced myself from my relationship with my Savior and therefore have diminished my ability to pour out to others.

So I take daily steps to ask myself “What it is mine to do? What do I need today? What is going to help me serve others best?” And in the meantime, while I don’t have 100% of myself to give to anyone, I am working on giving myself grace and surrendering to Jesus to receive His absolute freedom.

Adulthood is a constant learning game. 

As a child, I was always looking ahead to the days when I would have it all together and figured out. I would have my independence and the chance to figure out all that life had to throw at me. 

I’ve learned more about myself in the past 5 years trying out this real adulthood thing (that whole team ministry thing doesn’t really count) than I have the first 25 years of my life. 

It’s not pleasant or pretty or anything like I thought that it would be. It’s painful and vulnerable and difficult to take in. 

I’ve found God working on my pride through the humbling experiences I’ve seasoned over the last few years. Specifically through my insecurities about my inadequacies. 

My need to be indispensable keeps me from doing things I enjoy and could become better at because I am not “the best” and could be replaced at any moment with someone who is better than I am. My mind tells me to stick to the things I am already great at so that ultimately people will need me and rely on me.

I think this is why I equally revere and struggle to be around people who are clearly better at me. I want to spend my time learning and growing from them but I think there is an innate fear that by virtue of being around them, that I will be exposed as inadequate. 

Be strong. Be independent. Be someone who people need, but never need anyone yourself. 

Exposing my pride has been and will continue to be a painful process. It had caused pain to myself and the people in my wake as I go through life, blind to its destructive power. 

Through it all, whether I see it as an issue or not, God sees me – he sees me and meets me here, in the midst of my brokenness. and He will continue to do that until the day that I am made whole because of the redeeming work of Jesus on the cross. 

It’s not that I don’t want to,

It’s not that I can’t.

My heart held at a distance,

Out of reach of will and strength.

Face to face with my past, 

Back turned on the future. 

Time ticking slowly by, 

Yet days pass faster still. 

A foreigner in my own mind, 

Fault taken, guilt absorbed. 

Wandering amidst the lies and truth, 

Where is rescue? How far is hope? 

Freedom come soon, take no time, 

Surrender is what you require. 

That day crushed me. 

I walked through the doors of a coffee shop, the same chain where it happened 3 years ago, and the realization hit me. 

I’d only just begun to be able to breathe again and the reality of it washed over me like a cold, waking morning shower. 

It has taken me 3 years to recover. And even now, I don’t know if where I am standing is where I want to be. More has happened in those 3 years than I can really comprehend.

God has done so much work on my heart and has placed people in my life that have held and loved and encouraged me and who have reminded me who I am – who God has made me to be. 

Even though this group of people looks a little different than it did 3 years ago, they’ve each played a vital role in helping me rebuild the person I live with today. I don’t always like or recognize that person. I long for the carefree, confident, and engaging person I used to know. 

But, she is a person of the past, replaced by someone with hard-won knowledge and wisdom, with scars that still bleed when the drive from point A to point B is just a little longer than usual, or there is too much time away from the security of her people.

I know bit by bit, that person is being rebuilt by the loving, redeeming hands of her Creator, but still I grieve her. I wonder what might have looked different if an alternate path was chosen – if a kinder word was said, or a more gentle attitude was on display. I grieve her, but she is gone. Carefree and full of laughter has been replaced with timidity, trepidation, and abounding tears. 

The tears are less than they once were. Slowly the carefree and confident find their way back, but not without the weight of that experience and acquired with immense effort. I know I won’t ever be that same woman, and as I grieve her I trust in the unfailing redemptive love of my Savior as He gently washes away the tainted past from my heart, creating a new work of art more beautiful than before. Because that’s who He is and what He does. 

I like malls. 

As an extrovert, there’s something satisfying for me to be able to be in a space where I am still around other people and yet have a chance to be alone with my thoughts. There’s an energy that comes with walking past stores, kiosks, and restaurants brimming with people and yet, no one requires my attention. I rarely buy anything and sometimes don’t go into any stores at all, but the atmosphere gives me a comfortable space to think and process the past, present, and future. 

I’ve been drawn to malls in times where I’ve needed to make a big decision and had things to think through, after my Nana died while I was on a traveling ministry team and I had my host mom drive me there, and most recently I go there most Sundays after church to ease myself back from the ways my heart is filled by God through my church family to the cold realities of life.

I spend time in prayer and process with God, sorting through things that I don’t allow myself to pay any attention at other times. It will take different amounts of time each time for me to be ready to leave and once in a while I have to really motivate myself to leave because I otherwise I don’t think I’d ever feel ready. 

I think that everyone needs a space like this. A place where you can take the time you need to clear your head and talk with God and process the things that you’ve set aside for “when you have the time” (which if you don’t take the time, you won’t have it). 

Jesus took the time away to pray and do His business with God. He knew the importance of a clear mind in ministering to others and more importantly, a clear mind that was set on things above (Matthew 14:22-23, Mark 1:35, Mark 7:24, Luke 6:12-13, Luke 22:41)

Do you have a “God Space” you go to clear your mind and inquire of the Lord? If not, take some time to think about where that could be, How can you help encourage others to take their needed time in their spaces? 

I went through last week and entered my commitments in my calendar for the next 4 months and I almost had a panic attack. 

Okay. That might be an embellishment, but I have spent the past week feeling anxious about what the next 4 months will look like. 

How will I be able to do it all? When will I have any down time? How will I be able to do proper self-care? Why in the world am I doing this to myself? Maybe you’ve also asked yourself these questions in times of overwhelming busyness and stress.

I found a little space in my weekly planner that wasn’t already dedicated to anything in particular, and I decided to use it to write a “Bible Verse of the Week” to reflect on. I chose: 

“Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me.” – Psalm 54:4

After planning out my week and writing my weekly to-do list, I pulled out my Bible Study Fellowship lesson to look over before our leaders’ discussion tomorrow night and noticed (maybe for the first time ever) that there was a memory verse at the top of the lesson for the week. Any guesses on what it was? Yup. Psalm 54:4. 

In the midst of my anxiousness and planning and scrambling around to try to get things done, God reminds me that HE is the one that will sustain me through it. 

I can choose to spend my time complaining, whining, fretting, and worrying, but it’s not really going to get me anywhere, nor is it going to make me feel better. 

When I rest in the fact that God is my help and the one that sustains me through each day, I will receive a peace that surpasses all understanding. While I know it won’t be simple or easy, I know that when I do choose to rely on and draw near to my helper and sustainer, I will come out on the other side a better human being, more deeply reflecting the heart and character of God.

Here’s to the next 4 months. Pray for me.

I tend to have my hand in a lot of different pots all at once. I am a very social human, I like to try new things, and I just generally like to be involved. It’s often difficult for me to say no, not because I am afraid that people will be disappointed in me (though every once in a while that is a factor), but it’s because I really just want to do it all. I convince myself that I can, and when I accomplish everything on my lists of to-dos and show up to all of the places on time, I give myself a little pat on the back and “told you so” to all the people who claim that “no one can do it all.”

I’ve realized recently that just because I can do it all doesn’t mean that each person and activity is receiving the best of my time and effort. I dash around the Twin Cities giving little pieces of my time, energy, and talents to my job, worthy causes, fun social pursuits, side jobs, and whatever else might present itself as available that week. But at the end of the week, looking back, I find that something or someone got the short end of the stick. And on some weeks I only have the short end of the stick to give, and everyone loses out including me. The guilt that I experience because I know that I can do better drains me of any energy I might have had to restore what might have been lost. 

I am doing something new in 2019 and I am choosing a word to zero in on and put in to practice in all areas of my life: 

FOCUS. 

Focusing on a few good things that bring life and joy, focusing my time and energy on those few things so that they each receive the best of who I am, focusing my downtime to be more healthy and constructive, and focusing my attention more acutely on Jesus.

I recognize that will mean giving up some things, stepping away from others, waiting for some current commitments to end and saying “no” even when I really don’t want to but know it’s better for all if I do. I know God will show me new meanings of the word “focus” and I will continually ask him to grow and change me and help me to discern what it is that he has in store. 

So here’s to 2019: a year of Focus. 

“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” – Matthew 6:33

“Stop struggling and just trust me!” 

I found these words coming from my own lips as I hoisted a 5-year-old onto my shoulder to hang Christmas ornaments on the tree. 

As soon as I said it, I immediately thought that this is how God must feel all the time with me. In my innate need and desperation to fix things and solve the problems, I constantly often find myself struggling with something from practical matters, to thought processes in my own head.

I turn over every possibility of what should or could be and I search for the “best” answer to every problem. I struggle, squirming about and trying to adjust my present circumstance to achieve a vantage point, that I think is best, risking falling out of step and injuring myself along the way. Not because God dropped me or let go, but because my struggling against him caused me to fall from safety. 

All the while, God is lifting me up, holding me fast, knowing that the moment I stop struggling and simply be still in His presence, that he can position me just right – not only to accomplish the task in front of me, but also to keep me safe, protected, and secure in His arms – a place where even if I fall, I have allowed Him to catch me and hold tightly. 

Where are you struggling? Is God asking you to stop struggling and just trust Him alone? Do you trust him to hold you? 

“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” – Isaiah 41:10

There were so many things I wanted to accomplish this weekend. Cards I wanted to write, chores I wanted to accomplish, planning I wanted to do, writing I wanted to get done. So much of it was lost in the laziness that I tried to disguise as “relaxing”.

And yet, here I sit on the Sunday night after a 4-day weekend anxious for the week ahead knowing that many of these things still need to get done in the midst of the craziness of a work week. As much as I am enjoying my new job, I also am desperate for more time to make up for the misuse of my time the past few days as I have to live with my own disappointment.

I have a habit of doing this. Not necessarily procrastinating, but of feeling guilty. Guilty that I didn’t do this or that or didn’t do it the right way. Or that I hurt someone or let them down. Or that I have these thoughts that creep into my head that I wish I could forget existed. Or that I didn’t do as well as I know I could have. 

I know that the enemy wants me to sit here and to give in to the worldly comforts that provide satisfaction and relief for the moment, but not for real. I struggle to think long-term and plan for the future, and Satan is fully aware of it, knowing he can catch me in the moment and cause me to stumble now creating days, weeks, or months of guilt and regret piling up on one another until it feels insurmountable. 

It causes me not to want to face the next day and to push away the people that I know would be the first to encourage, pray for and equip me. Instead, I only feel like isolating myself, curling up under the covers and hoping it will all go away. 

But it won’t. It will stay as long as it takes for me to face it. 

As much as I long for the next day or the next challenge or struggle to never come, I know that inevitably it is lurking in wait around the bend to shock and surprise me as though I didn’t know it would ever come again. 

Instead, what if I resisted the urge to hide from the world and give in to the easy outs now, and lived each day with the eternal perspective that I know that I have inherited through the power and blood of Jesus? If I lived each step as though the living Spirit of God were dwelling within me? As though nothing that stood in my path could stand up against the God who created the universe? 

I am praying this for each of you, friends, and I ask that you pray it for me as well. 

“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” — John1:5

People often ask me what it is that I want to do with my life or where I see myself in 5 years. It seems like an innocuous enough of a question. After all, we live in a society where everyone must live out and achieve their version of the “American Dream” whether that looks like being “successful” personally or professionally. 

For most, that looks like picking their dream career and climbing the ladder or finding their soulmate, having 2.5 kids and buying the house with the white picket fence. And many times, it’s both.

We often let these cultural norms shape our framework for our own desires, hopes, and dreams.  

But, what happens to us when our lives aren’t turning out like we thought they would? When we put ourselves in our starry-eyed twenty-something shoes, look at our life today, and realize that it has not turned out quite like we expected? Or even when we evaluate our current situation and we ask ourselves how we got where we are and why we didn’t get the things we wanted?

I’ve been wrestling with God the past few weeks trying to figure out what desires and yearnings are placed in my heart by Him and which are simply my own fabricated yearnings for something that I imagined I wanted or needed.

It’s a painful process to consider that perhaps some of the desires that I have wept over and that have twisted my heart into agonizing shapes, might be things that I have let the world tell me that I should desire. 

It’s also confusing to attempt to discern which of these longings align with God’s plan and intention for me and which are simply musings of my own design. They seem so intimate to my inner being that I can’t imagine giving them up fully to the Lord without holding on to even just a tiny piece for comfort. 

I can feel myself immediately begin to resist the moment I consider it. I don’t even want to entertain the possibility that I would need to let go of these aches of my heart for something different, even though I know it’s often the very thing that is breaking my heart in the moment. 

And yet, I see God on the other side, reaching out His hand toward me, beckoning me to leave everything of the world behind and follow Him. Not because he needs my praise and adoration (though He certainly deserves it), but because I am His and he desires a life of true joy and fulfillment and He knows that is only found with Him. He knows that the worldly desires we cling to will eventually fade into the background of eternity. 

While I am here on this earth and I am distracted by the world and its incessant nagging for my attention, I will daily renew my focus and my gaze to Jesus and take every step that I can toward Him. I know that I will stumble and that I will drift and I will long for the things of the world. But I also know that with each step closer, my desires and longings will fall in tune with Him until one day my walk becomes an exquisite harmony with my Creator all while creating dissonance with the world and those in it.

Will you join me in taking deliberate steps toward him, even if that means leaving behind the intimate desires of your heart and falling out of step with the world around you?