2020. A new year. A fresh perspective. A chance to start over. 

In 2019, for the first time, I chose not to make new year’s resolutions (the joke that they were), but to choose a “word of the year” to help guide, challenge, and grow me. ‘Focus’ became my challenger, my adversary, my liberator. 

I sought God and asked him to show me where to focus my time and energy which meant stepping back from so many good things, and the process of saying goodbye to them and saying no to others was incredibly difficult but necessary.

After a year of stepping back from so much, I felt God nudging that it was time to step out – to be bold. 

The google definition of ‘Bold’ is “showing an ability to take risks; confident and courageous”.

But walking into 2020, I don’t feel confident or courageous. 

I feel overwhelmed by options. Paralyzed by possibilities. Everything met with my rolling eyes and the belief that what my heart longs for is simply just meant for someone else. That I am bound to wait here in my current state for the sweet day I meet my Jesus face to face. 

Even among promising conversations that radiate hope and potential, I feel pessimistic and skeptical. January 1st does not mean that anything has changed within me, only that the calendar has turned over, catapulting me into a new decade without my permission – without asking me if I was ready.  

Still, buried under all of this flickers a tiny flame of hope that remains in defiance of all psychological and visceral signals warning me to just stay where I am because “it’s easier this way, anyway”. It beckons me to dig deeper and add kindling, to fan the burning coals and build a wildfire that warms a heart cold from years of standing among the winter winds of disappointment, heartache, and shame.  

‘Bold’ will be my shovel to dig, my kindling to feed, and my fuel to build. 

Honestly, I am terrified. I’ve timidly told a few people about Bold, and each time, I feel almost immediate regret because saying it out loud to someone else creates the kind accountability and expectation that I do not feel prepared for. 

But I am marching forward, offering up ‘Bold’ to the One who will hold me through it all, will equip this ill-prepared soul, and who at the end of 2020 will be there to pick up the pieces of any wreckage left behind.