Adulthood is a constant learning game. 

As a child, I was always looking ahead to the days when I would have it all together and figured out. I would have my independence and the chance to figure out all that life had to throw at me. 

I’ve learned more about myself in the past 5 years trying out this real adulthood thing (that whole team ministry thing doesn’t really count) than I have the first 25 years of my life. 

It’s not pleasant or pretty or anything like I thought that it would be. It’s painful and vulnerable and difficult to take in. 

I’ve found God working on my pride through the humbling experiences I’ve seasoned over the last few years. Specifically through my insecurities about my inadequacies. 

My need to be indispensable keeps me from doing things I enjoy and could become better at because I am not “the best” and could be replaced at any moment with someone who is better than I am. My mind tells me to stick to the things I am already great at so that ultimately people will need me and rely on me.

I think this is why I equally revere and struggle to be around people who are clearly better at me. I want to spend my time learning and growing from them but I think there is an innate fear that by virtue of being around them, that I will be exposed as inadequate. 

Be strong. Be independent. Be someone who people need, but never need anyone yourself. 

Exposing my pride has been and will continue to be a painful process. It had caused pain to myself and the people in my wake as I go through life, blind to its destructive power. 

Through it all, whether I see it as an issue or not, God sees me – he sees me and meets me here, in the midst of my brokenness. and He will continue to do that until the day that I am made whole because of the redeeming work of Jesus on the cross.