I have a lot to be thankful for. I think about these things all of the time, and constantly thank God for them. 

At the same time, there is so much that I long for and strive for daily. I wrestle with being caught in between feelings of gratefulness and peace and wishing that parts of my life looked different than they do now. It leaves me feeling guilty and ungrateful for the incredible ways I see God moving in my life. 

“You don’t have it so bad, Jami. Just suck it up and deal with it.”

Sure, there are things that I can work on and change and grow in. I try to do that as much as I can – to push my self outside of my comfort zone so that I can grow in skill and character. 

But there are also many pieces of my life that are out of my control to change. I can make steps toward them, but they demand more than just myself and my determination for their fulfillment. And these are the hardest to confront and endure. 

There are times of peace and appreciation for my current state in life. I would say these moments fill up most of my days. 

But there are also occasions which I am presented with a glimpse of a potential, seemingly non-realistic future and my heart aches as though it were grieving something it had all along. 

I often catch myself dreaming and scold myself for being so impractical. I’ve done this for a while, now, and recently found myself wondering, “What is my dream? What do I long for?”

I’ve spent so much time shoving down any delightful hope that springs up for fear that it will not come to fruition. 

What a sad way to live. 

I am so terrified of disappointment and feeling sad that I am not honest with myself about what my heart longs for and desires. 

Now, sometimes when I even search for those passions and yearnings, I cannot find them. I’ve buried them so deep that they’ve gone missing and nearly decayed from years of being covered with a thick layer of bitterness and cynicism. 

What a life it would be to dream. What a life to long for something that could be, even if it won’t. To never give up hope that you will see it all come to pass, even if you don’t. 

That’s my prayer for me. My prayer for you. That even when we or someone else tells us it’s impossible, that we dare to hope and dream. Because a life lived filled with hope is better than one drowning in gloom and despair. 

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy, he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In all this, you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.” – 1 Peter 3:3-6