She looked behind her, not really knowing how she got to where she was. 

In her mind, she had taken each step with caution and care, being sure to tread lightly so as not create destruction along the way. 

Looking back, she stared in utter disbelief that while she had been successful to take care at some points along her walk, there was carnage left behind her of which she had been completely unaware before. 

It was only then that she could see and remember the moments in which she had carelessly barreled down the path. 

In her wake, she left people wounded by selfish motives, negligent words, and ungodly attitudes. She left relationships hanging, confused, ignored. 

She then turned slightly to see a mirror and saw herself covered in bruises scars, and open wounds. Not only had she caused others pain, she had brought the pang of heartache upon herself. 

Warm tears filled with regret, pain, and guilt rolled down her cheek, releasing with them the reality of what had really happened on the path behind her. 

She lifted her foot to take a step back to where she had been. If she could just go back to where she had failed, then she could change it, fix it, or at least make the hurt less. 

But as she attempted to move back toward where she had been, she found herself unable to proceed. The path on which she had already been was closed, and she realized that her chance to bring life instead of pain had already passed. 

So, taking a deep breath she turned around to face what was before her. Except that she couldn’t see what was on the path in front of her, only a few steps in front. 

She began to panic at the thought of what destruction she might make on the path ahead. Maybe it was just better to stay where she was so that she wouldn’t be able to cause any more pain. But, something urged her to keep going, a feeling of hope for the future that she couldn’t ignore or let go. 

Hesitantly, she took a step and found that she could move forward. Before taking another, she began to turn to take one last look at what she had left behind but felt a strong, gentle hand on her shoulder. She looked up to see His face – kind, gentle, and loving. 

He held out His hand, and she paused, confused that it could really be meant for her. For her, the one who was the cause of all that lay behind them. 

But His hand continued to reach out for hers; steady, sure, and inviting. 

Taking a deep breath, she placed her shaking hand in His. As His hand closed securely around hers, that hope she had felt before began to strengthen. 

Looking up again at Him again, He smiled at her, nodded, and gestured to the path that lay ahead. 

She took a step, and He took one with her, their feet moving in tandem. 

While she couldn’t see what the rest of path had in store for her, somehow, knowing that He was walking alongside her in the midst of it she wasn’t afraid. 

The devastation she had left would not be forgotten. It would always be behind her, reminding her of the reality of pain and cautioning her future steps. 

But, walking with Him now, she knew that she couldn’t simply let what had happened cause her to live in fear. Instead, she used it to change her steps, stepping with more purpose, gentleness, and awareness. 

She knew that at the next time she stopped that she would look back and still be able to see ruin she would leave. But she knew that He would be beside her, assuring her, and loving her when she is unsure how to love herself. 

She looked in front of her, not really knowing where she was going, but certain of who was beside her. 

It’s been 4 years this month since I wrote my very first blog here on From an Open Heart.

Throughout these 4 years, I have been less than consistent about writing with some months being left blog-less for a variety of reasons some selfish, some understandable. More recently, I have committed to weekly posts because I feel that 4 years ago, God very clearly asked me to begin this blog.

I remember the moment well. I had just finished reading “Radical” by David Platt, and as I was thanking God for the wisdom and perspective I gained through this book, he gave me 2 very clear instructions. One was to downsize on the physical “stuff” that I owned and give it to people who were in need, whatever that looked like. And the second was to start a blog.

One thing you should know about me before I was asked to do this, is that I very much did not like blogs. I didn’t understand their purpose, or why people wanted to read them, or why in the world anyone would want to write them in the first place.

But, this is what God asked me to do. So, I stepped out in faith and obedience and did it.

Another thing you should know about me is that I really don’t like being told what to do. I often desire to serve God and people out of love, respect, and honor to them, but if I am really honest with you (and with myself), I really don’t like “commands”.

I have this inane independence that is rooted deep within my very being. I catch in the most subtle of ways not accepting help, or scoffing at a journal at the store telling me to “Follow my Dreams”. “DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!”, I hear my insides screaming… or sometimes my voice actually saying out loud. I don’t know, maybe there some root of control and pride in there somewhere, I haven’t delved that far down yet, so I’ll keep you updated.

As I begin recognizing these, let’s call them “independent moments”, I realize that while I feel this fierceness is a part of who God created me to be, I also know that sin twists what God has created in an attempt to destroy what God has intended for good.

Throughout the past 4 years, I have both trusted that God had a reason for asking me to write and stood in obstinate defiance or distant apathy of what God asked me to do.

But, I will tell you what I have found in this midst of it all.

In the moments that I have been nothing more than obedient to His calling, this is when His faithfulness has shone the most. In the weeks where I reluctantly, but obediently, sat down to just write because “that is what God asked me to do”, those are the weeks when I have seen God work the most in the reach of my posts, in the messages I receive thanking me for writing what I did, and in what He does in me, personally through my reflections.

He has been nothing but good and faithful to us already. When we turn to him in obedience born out of love, He multiplies that goodness and faithfulness hundredfold. May we press into obedience to our Heavenly Father through our stubborn, “independent moments”.

And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love. — 2 John 6

 

 

There’s something to being able to clean out and start over. 

I began writing this blog in a “note” on my computer and before I began I cleared out some thoughts I needed to process regarding a tough situation with a friend. I highlighted them and with one click, they were gone and there was a clean, white space for me to begin anew.

We go through our days helplessly trying to erase our mistakes, the misunderstanding, the regret, the wrongdoings, the sin. We desperately want to go back to a time when things were different and seemingly easier. How many times have you heard someone say, whether in your life or even in a movie or TV show, say, “Can we just start over?”.

I always cringe in these moments, because I see the reality of the situation and how on this earth there is no such thing as a true “fresh start”. Even the most gracious and forgiving of us know that the past changes things. It changes the present, and it will inevitably change the future. 

When we run into bumps along the road, we often stand frozen by the impossibility of forward movement. We think that the only way to go on is to erase the past.

As much as we want to get rid of our past and the pain it may have caused, it can actually spur us on to deeper growth. When we learn to accept where we have been and the mistakes we have made and turn to our God of healing, reconciliation, and life, He can begin to transform us to look more like Jesus. 

When we begin to allow our past to become a catalyst for change and growth, our hearts become more tender, more compassionate for those around us. We can also recognize God’s grace abounding through Jesus that draws us closer in spite of and because our sin and we are humbled by this undeserved kindness.

It’s not easy to face your sin and hurt. It’s ugly and uncomfortable. But I am certain that by taking our sins and hurts to the foot of the cross, we will receive so much more than we could ever ask for and imagine. The best part is, we get to leave them there and let Jesus transform them into holiness, righteousness, and new life.

And God holds no record of wrongs (1 Corinthians 13:5). While trial will be certain for the here and now (John 16:33), there is freedom for us now as we live in this world under the shadow of the cross (Ephesians 3:12). And we can be certain that when we reach the final chapter of eternal life, we will truly and forever be free of all guilt, shame, and regret – living in the glorious light of Jesus.