There is something bright about seeing someone so passionate about a subject. I find myself drawn to these people, wanting to know more about who they are, what their story is, and what makes them tick. I don’t even have to be remotely interested in what they are passionate about to be drawn in and hooked on what they are saying.

I can remember one of these people in particular who was passionate about math. That’s right – math. Specifically, he was really interested in graph theory. I met this person once and was subconsciously drawn in by his passion for this subject, listening to him for at least 30 minutes of our short few hours together try and explain graph theory to me.

It is not as though I was at all interested in graph theory by any means. But I was interested in the fact that this person could be so intricately and uniquely woven to have a love so deep for something that for most might seem daunting, useless, or boring.

Tonight, I met such a person and left feeling energized by her zeal, yet saddened by my own seeming lack of passion or direction. I often feel like a jack of all trades and a master of none. For me, this applies not only to my skills, but also my focus of life.

The past year I have felt lost and unsure of what is next. I spend a lot of time wondering if this is just it. If I have ‘peaked’ in my life and ministry and that all that is left is to wait around to meet Jesus face-to-face.

Deep in my heart, I know that there is something more on the horizon, but it has been difficult for me to see it, and more than that – to believe it. Most of me – body, mind, and spirit – wants to succumb to the deception that life on this earth  doesn’t have much to offer.

And yet, a tiny flicker of a flame still lives deep inside of my heart, resting, waiting for a little kindling to make it grow again. It’s that flame that on the darkest of days holds me fast and reminds me there is someone greater than the universe who loves me and came for me to have a life and have it to the full.

My flesh and my heart may fail,
    but God is the strength of my heart
    and my portion forever.

— Psalm 73:26

I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. — Romans 7:15-19

Each day we let people down, we hurt the people we love, we say hurtful things, we are absent in the lives of our loved ones (sometimes even when they are right in front of us), and in addition, we hurt ourselves and our bodies with the decisions that we make.

We make promises to ourselves that we will do better tomorrow, that we’ll keep a smile on our face, show love to our neighbor, and live lives that reflect Christ.

Then as the day goes on, as each minute passes, we do our best to hold it together as we sink deeper and deeper back to the sin we told ourselves we would not do. We are a people in need of daily renewal and forgiveness. Who are we kidding, we need it second by second.

While loving our neighbor and ourselves is important, no amount of love from others or from ourselves will be enough to fill the gaping wounds that sin leaves in our lives. We can be loved dearly in our community and by the people around us, and be confident in our abilities or in our appearance, but still, there is sin living in us, and it is going to continue to return and pollute our relationships and our minds and we will find that we are still broken. Because the thing that I hate – this I keep on doing.

The next chapter of Romans goes on to say this:

So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death. The law of Moses was unable to save us because of the weakness of our sinful nature. So God did what the law could not do. He sent his own Son in a body like the bodies we sinners have. And in that body God declared an end to sin’s control over us by giving his Son as a sacrifice for our sins. He did this so that the just requirement of the law would be fully satisfied for us, who no longer follow our sinful nature but instead follow the Spirit. — Romans 8:1-4

I have the innate tendency to stay in chapter 7 and relive over and over the ways that I have fallen from grace, especially in the ways that I have hurt others both in action and in lack thereof.

This weekend I have sat in the muck of chapter 7… let’s be real -it’s been more like the past year. I cannot get past the guilt of how I have hurt people and made mistakes, and each time I sin, the wound seems to get deeper, more sensitive, and more susceptible to the infection of the world.

I read Romans 8 knowing that it is for me, and yet struggling to believe it in my heart. Forgiven by a God who should have judged me, but instead sent his Son as a sacrifice for my sins in order to reconcile me to Him. Amazing Love, how can it be?

Grace doesn’t make sense. It isn’t logical. A condemnation that was meant for us but that was freely taken from us and nailed to a cross. Our death defeated when Christ was raised from the dead a new life given when he ascended into heaven.

I believe this is true. I know it is for me. Will you search this truth with me as we continue to do the things we do not want to do?